I’ve got 99 skills but maybe this aint one…

I’ve got 99 skills but maybe this aint one…

A balmy, mid-July afternoon with clear skies and only a few buzzing insects to break the silence. That is, until a roar annihilated the idyllic surroundings, as ten battle-hungry warriors charged forwards to meet equal numbers mounting a small hill. Just like a scene from Braveheart. Only these warriors were six years old, wearing school uniforms instead of kilts and had no face paint, unless you count what was smeared across their cheeks from a previous art lesson, as they wiped snotty noses!

hastings_1945710i

This isn’t another ‘day in the life of a primary school teacher’ post because I wasn’t a teacher back then. No, I was one of the six year olds, re-enacting the 1066 Battle of Hastings and I had been given the very important task of killing King Harold!

I ran atop the hill, poised with my imaginary weapon, spotted the King amid his army of three First Years and prepared to unleash my fury. Right arm pulled back, left arm pointing to the sky, I let go of the invisible arrow that sailed across the field on the sounds of my war-cry, finding its target in the eyeball of a small boy. His Oscar worthy death drop signified I was victorious and we all rushed to reset the scene and rehearse again.

This. Was. Awesome.

Fad Number #56 – ARCHERY

We were due to perform the battle for the rest of the school as an end of term assembly. So far, despite allowing us to be especially violent towards each other by today’s classroom standards, we hadn’t been allowed props – probably best to minimise the carnage even if it was delivered by blows fromΒ  cardboard swords! But I was soon to be given a mock bow and arrow and I loved it. It looked incredibly cool. I looked incredibly cool. How could I fail to impress?

I’ll tell you how.

It was time for the dress rehearsal. We took our places and waited for the teacher to yell, ‘Action!’. Leaping into position, now with a ‘real’ weapon to wield, I pulled back with my right hand, as I’d done in each previous run-through and…let go with my left. Bow and arrow down.

Try again. Pointing the foam arrow to the sky, I waited expectantly to see it soar defiantly over the others, as I’d pictured so many times in my head. Nothing. Except some giggles and an exasperated sigh from my teacher. The arrow laid miserably at my feet.

I don’t know why I was surprised. I have still to this day never even mastered the skill of flicking an elastic band from my fingers. My brain just doesn’t engage in the correct pattern for some reason!

IMG_4442

So, knowing this story and my general, clumsy ineptness, when we got the opportunity to have archery lessons whilst in Ireland, S naturally believed he could take all the glory…

Hell no! My previous failures have never dampened my belief that I could one day rival every full-blooded silvan in an arrow firing contest and I can be competitive to a fault. I was determined to beat him.

And that I did. Just. But it was bloody hard! Gone were my misguided imaginings of leaping around trees, reloading swiftly to dispatch my enemies from a secret hiding place. The video may prove I was precisely on target, but if you look closely, it also shows me getting my wobble on, having a quiver in all the wrong places, as I try to maintain steadiness in order to aim.

I’m definitely more Katniss NEVERdeen. I mean, I can’t even plait a fishtail…

So, in honour of the final installment of The Hunger Games opening this weekend, here’s my tribute to those more worthy of brandishing a crossbow or similar.


In reverse order:

ARCHERS SCHNAPPS

IDShot_540x540

Yes, even a bottle of peach-flavoured alcohol is more likely to have a better strike rate than I am when it comes to firing! Can’t say I’m that huge a fan of this as a tipple, preferring straight up vodka, but perhaps it would imbue me with subliminal strength if I consumed it prior to bracing.

Don’t come within a 1 mile radius though. Just in case.


STERLING ARCHER

Arch

Alright, he’s not strictly an archer but he is kickass in an animated way. Advisory – this is an adult cartoon with boobs, bums, swearing and a lot of inappropriate behaviour and un-political correctness. But it’s hilarious!

Sterling Archer is an international spy, able to rival the likes of James Bond. He’s also very self-absorbed and pretty dumb much of the time. But his strike rate is high, as long as we’re talking about securing women, fast cars and alcoholic beverages!


ROBIN HOOD

Robin-Hood-Prince-of-Thie-001

Ooh, so far down on the list I hear you say? Well, yes.

Okay, so he’s the original star of notching feathers to send them sailing into the the ether but I also think he’s had his time with my affections. Back in the day, I was all about Kevin Costner’s mullet and watching the accuracy of an arrow split, despite that fox, Mary-Elizabeth Maidmariontonio, trying to send him off course with her breathing.

But other incarnations of the fabled hero have never floated my boat. Except perhaps Disney’s. You have to love Disney.


LEGOLAS

Legolas600ppx

Ah, Orlando Bloom. How I only love your face when your hair is bleached and flowing and you’re jumping aboard elephants to fight orcs.

Hobbits were cute but Legolas won my heart in LoTR. I wanted to be an elf, skipping about nimbly with my quiver stocked, ready to fight side by side with this ethereal wonder. He was fast, mysterious and had an other-worldly, pale-faced glow before any angst ridden teen vampire turned up on the scene.

On the rare occasion that we play D&D, my chosen race and class is a rogue elf, in honour of my aspirations to be a silvan warrior. My clothing would blend me in with the surroundings, and I’d fire from a concealed spot among the leaves. Archery is so much easier when you only have to roll a D12 to fire…


In joint third place…

HAWKEYE

Jeremy-Renner-Hawkeye-Bow-Close-up

I have a bit of a thing for Jeremy Renner. Yes, there’s a running theme here in what constitutes my ranking for archers. Being the huge fan of Marvel that I am, I couldn’t leave him out but I am more in love with the on-screen, leather-clad portrayal rather than the purple masked man from the comics.

He’s quiet, brooding and pretty lethal which makes him far more entertaining to me than the likes of Thor. I realise I’ve also just described the Hulk… Stealthy. The Hulk’s not stealthy.

Anyway, he’s a definite hero in my book but as much as I love him, he’ll never replace my crush on Tony Stark. Just saying.


KATNISS EVERDEEN

Katniss_Everdeen

I’ll begin by saying I’ve never read the books but I love the films. And, (probably like most of humanity) I have a massive girl crush on Jennifer Lawrence. I guess being the wielder of flaming arrows should shove her to the top of the list, but well, she’s just a bit moody to make my number one spot.

Sure, she’s been through a traumatic experience and is being used as a pawn in a weird political game so doesn’t have much to smile about. But maybe I only want my men to be angsty. Plus, how anyone’s hair can look that amazing whilst fighting to the death is beyond me. Yes, I’m jealous. Who knew twisting two bits of hair rather than three would be more difficult?! Still, I do love the little Mockingjay!


And in first place…

DARYL – The Walking Dead

Daryl-Dixon-The-Walking-Dead-Wallpaper

Fit. That is all.

S moaned at my choice as he said he’s not a true archer due to using a crossbow. But have you seen how he uses it? He can virtually dance with the thing and still hit his prey. So cool.

Okay, he may have reached the point of needing a haircut and a bath, but there’s something enticingly endearing about his griminess. In fact, if I had to pick sides, Andrew ‘Rick’ Lincoln wouldn’t get a look in. So if the show writers ever decide it’s time for Boondock down, I’ll refuse to tune in!

Who are your favourite archers of all time? I’d love to know in the comments. Until then, thanks for reading and may the odds be ever in your favour…


Image Credits: My own plus The Guardian, Wikipedia, pinknews.co.uk and Screenrant.

Did you know you can follow the Bobbins on Twitter and Facebook? Come and say hi!

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “I’ve got 99 skills but maybe this aint one…

  1. Enjoyed your post. Two comments 1. The “Archers” are an unusual team who made incredible movies in the 30’s and 40’s. Powell and Pressburger…(I am an old movie fan).. Don’t exactly know why they picked the name “Archers”, but every film shows an arrow hitting the bullseye. Are you familiar with their films? 2. I use Audible to go to sleep and recently started the story of Robin Hood. Wow, I did not realize it was so well written and so interesting. The story makes me want to go out and get a bow and arrow!!! I finally understand the pull of archery!!! I think it all goes back to everyone being raised on Robin of the Hood.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚ I’m not familiar with them no, I’ll have to look them up but it has reminded me of the Archers radio show from the UK for another tenuous link! I think Robin has often been watered down for the stage and screen but there’s so much fabled history surrounding him that I’m not surprised it’s an interesting read!

      Like

    1. Thank you, glad you enjoyed it! I’m all for activities that don’t involve running! I quite enjoy the notion of being a sniper if I had to choose a weapon in a parallel life – concealed AND still. Bonus!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved the post! Do t know about your first 2 archer posts but….the rest of them I love. Hubby and my song is from the Kevin Costner Robin Hood film. I am marvel obsessed and I own all hunger games books and movies and soundtracks. I’m a movie addict. And if I find a book I love that becomes a movie I HAVE to own it all! πŸ™‚ the books are a million times better than the movies. I’m usually not a fan of changing the movies too far off the books but….the changes the hunger games made were very well done and for the better of the movie and I approve which is rare for me!! (I saw it last night)

    Bravo hun….bravo!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. *Bows* Well, thank you!
      Hehe, the first two are a bit tongue in cheek but I’ll be honest I was struggling with more famous archers than what’s already on the list! S has read the books and he thinks they’ve done a good job of adapting, enough that he doesn’t feel I’m missing out much by having not read them. I might get round to it when I finally finish the Game of Thrones series!

      Like

  3. This post was filled with joy.

    I’ll be seeing the last Hunger Games movie next week, when we’ll be hanging out with my parents and my sister and her family. My dad is all excited that we’re going to see Mockingjay Part II. He does a lot of bowhunting, and he’s convinced that District 9 is located in his native West Virginia, so he has a big connection (in his head) with Katniss.

    (He has a few Robin Hood style split arrows from his archery practice, hung up like trophies.)

    Daughter is pretty excited as well, since she also has a massive crush on Jennifer Lawrence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it! That’s awesome that it’s a huge family outing – I hope your dad whistles the call to arms too!!
      Wow, actual split arrows? I’m very impressed. I’d be carrying mine around with me, showing them at every opportunity if I was that skilled! And your daughter has impeccable taste πŸ™‚ Lawrence is definitely one of the better role models for tweens and teens!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There was a time when dad pretty much obsessively practiced his archery. He’d shoot a dozen arrows, recover them, shoot them again, etc. Eventually, he’d get some split arrows. I’m sure there’s a lot of skill involved in hitting close to the same spot all the time. But statistics were on his side. πŸ™‚

        Look at me debunking my dad’s awesome accomplishment! I’m the worst.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aww, shame on you! Haha, I’m sure it’s allowed as payback for the embarrassing photos and stories parents like to share. Still very cool even if it took a thousand attempts πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s